How To Tell If You Are A Leftie

A community service primer designed to help those who don’t realize when their opinions are not quite in synch with reality.

If you thought Clinton and Berger were innocent even after they were convicted, but you are ready to hang Karl Rove before he is even indicted, you are a leftie.

If you don’t see the irony in multi-millionaires like George Clooney, Barbara Streisand, Martin Sheen, Sean Penn, et al, telling people making under $30,000 that they need to give more and pay more taxes, you are a leftie.

If you are happier with the thought of America losing the war in Iraq than winning, because it would help your political leanings, you are a leftie.

If you can’t go a whole day without uttering the phrase, “Bush lied”, but you still insist Clinton did nothing wrong, you are a leftie.

If you were bent out of shape over Trent Lott praising Strom Thurmond at his birthday party, but you don’t see anything wrong with Jesse Jackson’s calling NYC “Hymietown” or the fact that Robert Byrd was once a card-carrying member of the Klan, you are a leftie.

If you can’t see the humor in Ann Coulter’s writings, you are a leftie.

If you think a Christmas tree or a manger scene on the lawn of City Hall is going to destroy civilization as we know it, you are a leftie.

If you refer to reverse discrimination by quotas as…well, if you try not to refer to them by any name because it would reveal what it truly is, but you still insist it’s the correct thing to do while fully denying that you are doing what you are actually doing, you are a leftie.

If you don’t laugh out loud when you hear that Michael Moore has over 2000 shares of stock in Haliburton, you are a leftie. If you are not bothered by his proclamation that “I don’t own a single share of stock”, yet the truth reveals that in addition to Haliburton, he owns 2000 shares of Boeing, 1000 of Sonoco, 4000 of Best Foods, 3000 of Eli Lilly, and 8000 of Bank One, you are surely a leftie.

If you thought it was okay for Rosie O’Donnell to verbally pistolwhip Tom Selleck (or at least attempt to do so) about gun control, you are a leftie. If you still thought it was okay after learning she sent her child to kindergarten with a bodyguard carrying a loaded pistol …on school grounds…with children present…and she defended the decision, then you are just a foolish leftie (redundant department of redundancy, I know).