Monday Musings and Ramblings

It’s Opening Day in baseball, and all is right with the world.

A husband decided to wash his sweatshirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted, "What setting do I use on the washing machine?" "It depends," came the reply, "What does it say on your shirt?" He yelled back, "University of Oklahoma." And they say blondes are dumb.

After watching her husband do absolutely nothing for 8 years about Rwanda, Hillary has suddenly developed a conscience about sending troops to Darfur. She is demanding President Bush take the action that Bill would not.

There are 2 theories to arguing with a woman ... neither works.

(this one is completely true) An excerpt from the local "Baldwin County Public Schools Pupil Responsibility and Conduct Standards": "Pubic display of affection is inappropriate and unacceptable on the school campus."

A couple is lying in bed. The man says, "I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world" the woman says, "I'll miss you."

I have noticed that those who claim the loudest to be individuals, those who make the most stringent claims to have self-esteem, are the ones who will go the furthest to obtain mass approval by wearing faddish clothes, or following the latest trend, or otherwise following the chic of the week.

Never miss a good chance to shut up.

Chocolate is linked to lower blood pressure. Woohoo!

"It's just too hot to wear clothes today," Jack says as he stepped out of the shower, "honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?" "Probably that I married you for your money," she replied.

A man who is a bicycle messenger in Bogota, Columbia, has been sentenced to four years of house arrest for a drive-by bottom-slapping incident. No, really.

If you find yourself in a hole, stop digging.

Okay, I buy it if you forget a couple of things when you are running to catch the train. But forgetting your baby daughter?

He said - Since I first laid eyes on you, I've wanted to make love to you really badly. She said - Well, you succeeded.

Knock, knock. Who’s there? Ally. Ally who? Ally Gator.

Monday Funny

I heard him trying to break in. I ran to the cabinet, grabbed my automatic, slammed the clip in and chambered a round. I was scared as I snuck down the hall to the back door.

I grabbed a flashlight and opened the door as quietly as I could. I tiptoed to the side of the house where I could hear him still working on the screen.

I turned the corner, putting the flashlight and gun in his face, while yelling, “Hands up!”

He turned to face me.